10.10.02
| 10:06 a.m.
Pain
I have always been a stubborn person. If I get into a verbal fight, I won't back down. Why should I? If someone tells me I am fucking up, I don't listen. Why should I? There are some days that I want to tell the whole world to fuck off. So what do I do? I take those days out on my husband. And then he tells me I am just like my mom, and that I am changing and I am not the same person I was a few months ago. He tells me that I am bitch, and that I am selfish and childish. Do I listen. Yeah... because he's right.
And then the pain starts. The pain of realizing what a total shit I have been. The pain of realizing all the times I have jumped his ass for no reason. The pain of realizing that I start drama because sometimes I feel like I have nothing else. The pain of realizing that I am fuck up sometimes. The pain of realizing that he is leaving if things don't change... NOW!
The tears sting and feel hot on my face. My heart hurts, and I want so badly to flush all this out of me. But I realize that I am unhappy with myself. I realize that this is all internal, and it has absoulutly nothing to do with him. I want to ask him for help, but how can he? This is my problem... no one else can fix it but me.
I know he knows I love him, but I imagine he thinks I have a weird way of showing it. Is it possible to say "I'm sorry" after this and make it seem like I really mean it? Will it just look like I am trying to make him stay, or will he really believe me? Will it work.
Somehow, I have to turn inward. I have to leave the outside world for a while and focus on the inside world, because something in there is really fucked up. I have to fix it before I lose everyhting I love... including myself.
