09.17.03
| 6:50 p.m.
Chest Pains
I have thoughts brewing around in my head... and I cannot seem to sort them out. I had to go to court yesterday, and Slippy was there. He just stared at me and watched my every move. I went and sat down in the waiting room with Thos, the guy I am seeing now. As soon as I sat down, the Federal Marshall came in an told me that Slippy wanted to speak with me, and would I allow it? I agreed, and I was escorted into the room where Slippy was. He was wearing a bright yellow jumpsuit with "Albany County" written vertically down the left pant leg. He had a chain around his waist that his handcuffs were attached to. It immediately broke my heart. He looked like a scared caged animal... he looked like he was being treated like a murderer. He started crying as soon as I sat down. He told me how much he loved me, and how much he missed me. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he was having trouble speaking. I was stone cold... frozen and silent. I was facing my husband for the first time in almost three months. And all I could do was ask why he did the things he did. I never got an answer... because he didn't know. I didn't expect him to anyway, but I had to ask. I began crying as I told him how much he had hurt me. "You killed me inside." I said to him, and meant it. He begged and pleaded for me to stop the divorce... he said he would never touch drugs again and that he would more than make it up to me, and he would treat me like the queen that I am. I told him he should ahve done that while we were still together. He had nine years to treat me right. When I asked him why he hit me he cried harder. He took my hand and held it... by this time our chairs were so close that went I dropped my head and cried, he kissed my forhead. Thos later asked if it had felt natural when he did that... I lied and said no, but the truth is that it did. You cannot just turn off feelings like that. I cannot just quit loving him. When I left Slippy that day, I held him in my arms for a long time as he cried. I wiped his tears, and told him goodbye. The Federal Marshall led him out, and Thos led me out. I collapsed in tears in the parking lot and Thos held me while I cried. When I went to finally get in the car, I looked over my shoulder, and there he stood... he was standing in the window watching another man hold and comfort his wife. That was the last image I have of him...
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