01.25.02
| 2:12 p.m.
Getting better
I think it's starting to get a little better... I stress a little. I had a very volatile morning. We started in with the same bullshit as last night... But we included yelling and insults this morning. That always makes everything better, don't you think. We said a lot of things we shouldn't, and probably some things we didn't mean but said just to hurt each other. I threw some things and put a hole in the closet door. I was definatly not myself this morning. I cried until I almost puked, and then he grabbed all his medicine and left. He was afraid I would take them! I cannot beleive he would think that! But, as he later told me, he took them with him because he is not "taking any chances on losing me." I guess I was pretty wacked out this morning if he actually thought I would o.d. on his meds.
I called him a few minutes after he left... I had somewhat calmed down, and my mind was suddenly flooded with all the things I had just said and done. I walked into the bedroom, and saw the hole in the closet door... I had no idea I had done that, but I knew it was me.
I was surprised when he aswered the phone. I figured he was still too mad to speak to me. We talked for about fifteen minutes. I told him I was sorry... very sorry. And that I was wrong for saying some of the things I said. Things were better when we got off the phone. We were calm and rational... we actually acted like adults instead of little kids fighting on the playground on who got the swing next.
I am just so ready to get back to work. I made a lot of phone calls, and then felt the need to sleep. I had vivid "almost real" dreams of him while I was sleeping. And an hour and a half later, I awoke to the phone ringing. It was him. "Hey baby..."
His voice brought me back. Brought me back to calm... elevated my spirits and mood, just by simply calling, telling me a story and telling me he loves me. I know he does... sometimes I just lose sight of things.
