04.19.02
| 12:39 a.m.
Single Tips
It seems that lately some of my friends and acquaintances have been worried about relationships. In short, they want them. They are longing for long-term, meaningful relationships, or they want to take their current relationships a step futher. I can certainly understand these feelings... I took the ultimate relationship step and got married. And while marriage is wonderful and I wouldn't give it up for all the money in the world, I wanted to give some tips, or reasons if you will, for staying single or at least just at a commited dating level:
1. Since I got married, shaving my legs is an everyday thing. No more waiting days, even weeks, between shaving. No man likes to be prickled to death in the middle of the night by the porcupines who have taken up residence on your legs. So for God's sake, keep 'em smooth. You will also find that you are spending even more money on shaving cream. Two reasons in one.
2. Manicures. Seems strange, but here's a little secret. I love my porn star nails. You know... French Manicure! Well, now that there's constantly a dick around, I have to keep a perfect manicure. Stay single and skip the falsies.
3. You know that lovely morning breath that you can live with all day? It has to go first thing in the morning... every morning. Nothing sucks worse than breathing a firey "good morning" to your sweetie... get up and brush your teeth. If there's no one around, you don't have to brush until you damn well feel like it.
4. No more endless time in front of the mirror popping zits and picking at your face. Nothing is more embarassing than your husband/significant other walking in on that. It's disgusting anyway... why share it with another person?
5. Learn to speed-shit. It's not "lady-like" (whatever the hell that means) to spend 30 minutes in the bathroom. And for God's sake, don't drag a book or magazine in with you.
6. Wrap sanitary items up. Guys do not want to know all about it.
7. And the most important? Never ever ever let him do your laundry!!!
Now there are a million reasons to get married. That coud be a separate entry all together. I am just providing this as a service to my dear friends! Think I should go work for Cosmo? Yeah... me too.
