09.03.02
| 12:32 a.m.
Change Change Change... yeah
Strange things are happening to me... it's almost like metamorphosis, or molting even... I am shedding the old bad things I hated about myself, and becoming a new person. Actually, what's happening is that I am making peace with my inner demons. I have many demons... the demons that tell me I am fat and ugly everyday... the demons that cause me to fly off the handle and become uber-bitch
in three seconds flat... the demons that blind my vision of the beauty in this world... the demons that cause my selfishness... I'm sure there are more, but if I named them all, I would seem like a horrible person.
I have just been doing a lot of self reflection. I am discovering that I like who I am despite all my flaws. I am realizing that no one's perfect. Everyone else can go ahead and judge me for who they think I am, but I know I'm a good person. I know I'm a good wife, and a good mother, and a good daughter, and a good friend.
It's sad that it has taken me almost 25 years to realize these things. I have fought internally for as long as I can remember to imagine myself in the role of perfection. I have set myself up for failure, and I have beaten myself up for failing. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? Who am I trying to be perfect for, when there is no such thing. After almost an entire year of marriage, I can finally say that I know my husband loves me unconditionally... and when he says he loves me... he means it... and when he says I am beautiful... he means it... and when he says it's forever... he means that too.
It's easy to change when you are not expecting it to happen. When you try, it never works... you have to want it subconsciously. I realized I was changing tonight... we were driving in the car, I was singing my heart out and looking into one of the clearest night skies I have ever seen. There were two billion starts twinkling down at me... each one different, yet perfect... and I realized I was not the same person I was two or three months ago. I realized how peaceful and happy I felt... I haven't felt that way in years. I have taken control of my life... I know who I am and where I am headed. The paths in life are still unclear... but I know what I want... and I know I will achieve it.
